A review of “D.E.B.S.” by Jeanne Aufmuth

 

Stars: *

Rating: PG for mild language

Run Time: 1 hour, 31 minutes

 

 

There’s a funny little movie buried deep inside this pointless satire of teen fare and spy capers but I didn’t see it.

The D.E.B.S. (Sara Foster, Devon Aoki, Jill Ritchie, Meagan Goode) are a secret society of seductive teenage spies who have passed a series of subliminal SAT questions that test an aptitude for cheating, lying and killing.

This clever quartet of up-and-coming trainees tracks reclusive masterminds and Soviet killers while dealing with the pesky daily dos of boyfriends, bad hair days and automatic weapons.

Number one on the D.E.B.S.’ hit list is Lucy Diamond (Jordanna Brewster), a repeat offender whose calling card is a handful of diamonds and whose foes persistently end up dead.  The D.E.B.S. are going to take her down even if it means breaking a nail or two.

D.E.B. beauty Amy (Sara Foster) is having mixed feelings about her own blueprinted future in the fine art of espionage; being bad doesn’t feel good anymore.  Amy falls hard for vagabond Lucy and finds that consorting with the enemy is great for her sex life but not for her rep.

No cliché is left unturned:  a Charlie’s Angels-like honcho (Michael Clarke Duncan) commanding the foursome to do his bidding, bad martial arts and tired 007-esque intrigue, a lesbians-in-love thread, etc.

The adjectives flow like rotgut: deliberate, dimwitted and surprisingly dull. D.E.B.S. is based on a ten-minute short rumored to be hilarious but it can’t support the elongated joke.

Brewster gives the stalest performance of her lightweight career.  Only the hipper-than-though Aoki (who has a delicious turn as a vicious swordswoman in the upcoming Sin City) plays it for spoof value and gets it right.  Skip it.